Feeling empty

Today I had the day off work. It’s a cold, windy, overcast day. I spent the day cleaning and doing odd jobs around the house. I just felt so empty today. So lonely. My house feels empty and my heart feels so empty… I just feel so incomplete.

I want nothing more than to be a mum. I know I’m not giving up, but everyday is a struggle. We have this beautiful big house and a huge backyard that we bought 5 years ago. We have renovated and it has been ready for a few years now to fill the rooms with children. I walk past the “nursery” and it just breaks my heart. Boxes in the corner full of baby stuff I have collected over the years I even have a bassinet! After the last failed round  I just felt like throwing it all out or selling it. But I keep holding onto hope. But I have now stopped adding to the collection just in case.

I have a lot of hope and positivity for the next round, but while I’m waiting I can’t stop feeling so empty. I am trying hard to ‘enjoy’ the next 2 months while I am waiting. I am enjoying not having any nasty side effects, not having a medication schedule. Being able to work and save some money. But when I sit still for 5 minutes, my heart just aches. When I see the pregnant bellies, or the crying babies, the kids running a muck around the shops my heart aches, I get in the car and sit there feeling so empty, so sad and so incomplete.

I don’t even know how to describe how it feels. I can’t live like this for much longer. This next IVF round has to work! PLEASE!

xx

 

Beta Day.

So today is the dreaded beta day… well for some it’s the most anticipated day of their IVF cycle. But for people like me with multiple IVF fails, it’s the day where all tiny little bit of hope that you are holding onto even after a million negative home pregnancy tests gets taken away from you.

The phone call goes like this:

Is now a good time to talk, can you first tell me your name and date of birth (by this time you can tell by the tone in their voice)…. Then. “Unfortunately”…… then the rest of the converstation just sounds like a blur of words. As soon as you hear the unfortunately word you know your out. You have to try and not burst into a loud cry and scream, you try and laugh and make some stupid joke and try to wrap the conversation up as quick as possible.

I feel sorry for the fertility nurses that make those phone calls that day. Out of 3 women chances are only one gets the good phone call. I wonder if they try not to get attached to their patients especially the ones that come back and back again, saying ‘this time will work’. I remember this time when I had my transfer I said to her this time is going to work, 7th time lucky, I know it will work. But if it doesn’t be prepared that I will not be okay this time, I think you might have to reserve me a bed in the mental health facility. Well now she has to make that phone call to me in a few hours.

It’s 5am. I haven’t been to bed yet, well I went to bed, lay there for a few hours, kept grabbing my phone and googling PGS or donor eggs, or multiple IVF fails. Then my sister texted me at 1.30am ‘are you awake’- good old nursing family always awake at totally random hours. So I talked on the phone to her for 2 1/2 hours, which was great. I’m so lucky to have such supportive and understanding family. My sisters and mum all live 700km away so we often spend hours on the phone to each other.  We talked about my issues and decisions and options, we talked about nursing stories and then we just talked about random stuff and laughed and sent each other pictures of our out of control fuzzy hair while talking about how hard it is to maintain. hehe. So now it’s 5am, and I have to get my bloods so I just decided I will have a cup of tea and a banana, write this blog, fold some washing and clean up the kitchen, go get my bloods then curl up into bed and sleep for awhile… (again typical crazy shift working nurse life what’s the difference between day and night time).

Wouldn’t it just be the biggest miracle ever, that for some crazy reason the home preg tests are wrong (all 16 of them lol) and I get the most incredible news ever..

 

8dp5dt – lost for words

I don’t even know where to begin or what to say or how I feel. It’s 8dp5dt well technically 9dp5dt as I write this at 1.30am cause I can’t sleep. I’m 99% sure it hasn’t worked again due to a million (well 14 to be exact) negative pregnancy tests. I was so so sure this was going to be my miracle. I was so positive and convinced surely this time it would work.

I’m not ok. I can’t even begin to describe how devastated, upset, sad, frustrated, lost, numb, sick, terrified and scared I feel. It hurts to breathe. My heart is literally aching. I feel like I’m not even functioning. I just feel bitterly broken. Like my world has come crashing down. My dream has been taken away from me.

This was our last go. We have spent well over $30 000. We can’t afford to do it anymore. But yet somehow I feel like we have to some way some how come up with the money. I have given up my job to do this, because I thought it would be worth it, I thought after all of these attempts I would be pregnant.

I have NO tubes thanks to 2 ectopic pregnancies, so before anyone thinks it or says it I will NEVER EVER EVER get my miracle surprise ‘when I’m not thinking about it’. I can’t believe it didn’t work. Seriously 7 embryos have been put into my uterus, how has it not

worked by now.

I’ve never been so sad, depressed and utterly terrified in my whole life. It is terrifying that the reality is that I might not ever be a mum. What will I do with my life. I was looking back on my baby albums and its heartbreaking that I may never get the chance to experience what my parents got to experience. The birthday parties, the easter bonnet parades, the school plays and school presentation nights, the baby’s first steps, first word, cuddling the sick baby in the middle of the night, reading bedtime stories, going on family holidays to the beach or to a theme park or the zoo, watching our children grow and play and laugh and giggle. How can it be that I will never ever get to experience that. Never get to see the beating heart on the ultrasound, or feel a baby kick, never have someone cry out ‘mum’, I won’t have any children get married, I won’t get to be a grandparent. It will be me and my hubby lonely for the rest of our lives. And being only 26, that’s a long time of loneliness and emptiness.

I feel a huge part of me is missing. Being a mum is apart of my identity. I can’t explain the feeling I have but I know I was born to be a mum.

Anyway so all of that just seems to heartbreaking. I start saying that’s just not an option I need to have a child. So how do I do that? Where do I go from here? The common answer seems to be i’m young and I have plenty of time to work my butt off and save money and try again. But come on at some point isn’t it pretty obvious that if 7 attempts at IVF haven’t worked, what are the chances of the next one working?

So next options are to :

1. Try again $5000 out of pocket.
2. Egg donors, $7 700 out of pocket if my sister will donate eggs. And if its a uterus issue then donor eggs wont work either
3. surrogacy – $40 000.
4. adoption- More than $40 000 and a 5-7 year wait if I am even approved
5. fostering- that would be extremely difficult. But maybe worth looking into

It’s just so beyond frustrating that all of my options are so expensive yet such a gamble. I could try again, spend $5000 and it doesn’t work, then go to egg donors and have spent total of $13 000 and that still not work. That would mean total of nearly $45 000 I have spent on all of this and still not have a baby. Then move to surrogacy, it will take years and years and years to save up all that money. Not to mention the fact that we still have to live, we still have bills to pay and life to live. Our roof needs replacing which is $15 000, both of our cars are getting very old so they will need replacing soon…. Not many people have thousands of extra dollars to just gamble away, especially 26year olds. Most people struggle to save up a few thousand dollars extra every few years to go on a holiday.

This is just so so unfair. I honestly can’t believe I am in this situation. Someone that has wanted children her whole life, is so obsessed with children and pregnancy and being a mother. I have dreamed about being a mum for years and years. And now so suddenly those dreams have been crushed.

Very depressing, but realistic post. Blood test in 2 days. Just to rub salt in the wound. But i’m glad I tested early, I would hate to be all excited and get the phone call saying I’m sorry it’s a negative.

I don’t know how I will pull through this one. I’m just broken.

 

 

6dp5dt

6days post transfer day. So 11 days post ovulation technically. And it’s safe to say today has been an emotional day. 

Being the poas addict I am, I can’t help it but it’s doing my head in, tests are negative again today. I stand there for a good 15 minutes looking and looking, squinting, holding it up to light just begging for a second like to appear. It doesn’t feel like you are asking for much, I’m not asking for a dream holiday, a trip to Disney , a mansion, or a fancy car… All I’m asking for is 2 lines!!!! 

Why can’t I get pregnant? I know I have pcos and endo. But I’m 26 and otherwise healthy. I have good embryos.. Why won’t it work! (I do know that it’s still early days but the frer are 87% accurate today. So basically 87% chance I’m not pregnant and that is just horrible. Awful. Devastating. Terrifying. Incredibly sad. I can’t even describe how I will feel if it doesn’t work again. 

Anyway so today I have randomly been bursting out into tears. I’ve not been sleeping at all. Have seen the sun come up for the last few mornings. So that doesn’t help my emotional state. Now I’m terrified to test again. I know if it’s negative tomorrow then it’s pretty accurate that it hasn’t worked. I know I won’t sleep again tonight. 

Seriously I’m begging and begging for there to be 2 lines tomorrow morning. Like really really begging. I don’t know what to do if it doesn’t work. I won’t cope.

I just want to be a mum. If this doesn’t work, that’s 7 IVF fails. Now shit gets real. It’s getting bloody scary that I will never be a mum- I can’t cope with that. 

Please pray pray pray! It’s hard to keep faith when you just don’t understand why god is doing this. I get that going through infertility can teach you and others a lot. Make you appreciate your children so much more. But I don’t get why God doesn’t want me to be a mum. I know without sounding cocky, I know I was born to be a mum, I know I will be a caring, loving, grateful, fun, kind and supportive mum. So why can’t I have the chance. 

Please please please please give me a miracle tomorrow xx 

Screw positivity. infertility is cruel

  

From the title I guess you can imagine I’m having a bad day. I’m just devastated and angry and over it.

Today the bleeding is really heavy and bloody painful. So I called the IVF clinic to talk to the nurses; mainly for abit of support and to see if I can stop the pessaries. I was very disappointed with the response I got. I said that I have started bleeding and she just said “yes, well you need to continue all of your pessaries until blood test day”, I tried to explain I was bleeding ALOT and that the pessaries aren’t even staying it, and she just repeated ‘Kimberley; you need to continue all of your medications until your blood test’

I then asked if I could take naprogesic because the pain is really bad. ‘absolutely not’ she said. Then went on to say until I have the blood test; there is still the chance I could be pregnant. But I’m just so sick of holding onto hope; stop feeding me hope. It’s all over. I’m 9dp5dt I’m bleeding heavier than a period and I have completely negative pregnancy tests. So unless there is so crazy miracle in the next few days; it’s over. But fair enough that’s their protocol but you would think she would offer a little bit of kindness, sympathy or support.

I was so upset after the phone call. But the only thing that gets me through is by not giving up and planning for the next attempt. So I booked a follow up appointment for next week to discuss my options for my last little embryo. But I’m really struggling to stay positive, if 6 embryo’s haven’t implanted in my uterus then the chances of this last embryo implanting is pretty slim… I still have HOPE, but can’t say I’m feeling to positive about it.

And for everyone that says I need to stay positive. For today I say SCREW POSITIVITY!
I am SO sick of being extremely positive; saying ‘I have a good feeling about this one’, ‘this is the one’, it will work for you this time, surely it will be a Christmas miracle, it will be an Easter miracle, a birthday present, a new year- a new beginning, 3rd time lucky, 5th time lucky, 6th time lucky… I have been talking to the embryo, thinking positively that it will work, that I am pregnant, I wasn’t really stressed- I was actually excited to be given another chance and BELIEVING that this one would be our baby, I have the blastocyst photo taped on the wall and looked at it everyday. I prayed. I hoped. I dreamed. I believed.

And now I am guttered. My heart is broken, it literally aches, it hurts to breathe. I am devastated. Extremely disappointed. I am angry and hurt. I am scared and terrified. I am so sick of getting my hopes up and keeping positive because the fall is just harder.

But in saying that; I know that for the next transfer I will continue to be positive and stay hopeful, that’s just who I am. But for today and the next few days I’m planning on being cranky at the world lol.

While I have some hope; there is hope. I have one frozen embryo left. So there is hope. But the terrifying thing is we have no more money. This is it, our last shot. I’m scared about how I will cope if it doesn’t work. The only reason I have coped with the previous fails is because I have moved onto the next attempt, it’s not the end. But now it is so scary that this is it…. for a while anyway. It is such a shame that no matter how much I want to keep going, money doesn’t grow on tree’s. But this isn’t just a new car or a holiday I want. It’s a complete life change. I want to be a mum. I need to be a mum. I feel so empty like a massive part of my identity is missing and I don’t think that will ever go away. I am only 25 and I cannot live the next 50 years feeling empty like this.

The waiting game is awful, waiting to see if this next frozen embryo works is waiting to see if I will be a mum or not. It’s like waiting to hear if you have cancer or not.

Sorry for the depressing post. But this is reality. This is how I am feeling. No point in sugar coating it on here, I do enough of fake smiling as it is, this is where I share the reality of it all.

I’m sure I will be better in a few days… once I get the ball rolling again for the next frozen embryo transfer I will be better again.

but for now. Infertility SUCKS!
  

7dp5dt- angry and scared

   

 After some spotting yesterday, today AF has well and truly arrived along with horrible cramps. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m angry mainly. This is my 6th embryo transfer in 12 months. 6 times of getting my hopes up, staying positive and then getting thrown down. Each time it makes it harder to stay positive and hopeful when it hurts SO much to get heartbroken. I really really thought this time would work. It was a perfect blastocyst. Why didn’t it implant?

Then I’m scared. I’m terrified. Each embryo that doesn’t work, I start to really really worry ‘oh my god what if I will be one of those people that never is able to have kids’. To me that just isn’t an option, I need a child to feel complete. I feel so empty like a huge part of me is missing, and that part is being a mother. Being a mum is apart of my identity. I don’t want to drink alcohol with the girls, or go on girls trips away, I don’t want to be this extremely successful career woman, I just want to be a mum. Being a mum isn’t a temporary thing, it’s your whole life. To think that I may not get to experience that is just unbearable. Financially we cannot keep doing IVF… we have spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars already, not to mention the loss of my income from going through all of this…

Then I’m sad. My heart is broken. My heart is aching- it literally hurts and almost feels hard to breathe. I feel a sense of loss and grief. I really thought our little blastocyst would work, that I would be holding our baby on Christmas Day. That this would be our last easter alone, that 2016 would be my year. Looking at the photo of our perfect blastocyst, it’s sad. I feel like I have lost 6 babies.

I am grateful that I  have a frozen embryo. I’m trying to stay hopeful, but after so many fails its extremely hard. And I know it might not be completely over yet, I’m sure people will say don’t give up hope yet, I always hear stories of people bleeding and they turn out to be pregnant and all is fine… but that just never seems to happen to me. I HOPE HOPE HOPE that this could be me this time, but feeling doubtful. Also have done a FRER just to check and its negative.. I will call the clinic tomorrow to see if I need to keep doing my pessaries or not, seems pointless because I’m bleeding so much.

So that’s today’s depressing post. I’m praying that this crazy emotional rollercoaster continues and that by some miracle I get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow.

 

IVF round 2

 IVF round 2 : June 2015

Here we go again. Round 2. This time I am on a slightly higher dose 112.5units so I am hoping for better results, but then scared about getting hyperstimulation.

After a week of injections at home back I go to Brisbane. God bless my mum for staying with me again, I couldn’t have done it without her. I wasn’t feeling very well this time around, had headaches, nausea and dizziness and a sore belly. My first scan showed about 10 good size follicles but over 20 crappy little ones.

Although I was hopeful I would hopefully get more eggs, it meant I was at risk of hyperstim again, and I was already feeling unwell so I was feeling scared and miserable.

I was also sad because I was missing one of my really good friends wedding back at home, I had hoped maybe I could fly home for the weekend but I just wasn’t well enough to.

After a few more days of monitoring (bloods and scans) I was ready for my trigger injection, so my hubby flew down and then Monday off I went for egg pick up.

I got 8 eggs!! Perfect amount. Then the next day I got FANTASTIC news when all 8 fertilised!!! How lucky was I! I finally felt abit of hope! I had one embryo transferred on day 4, and then was very lucky to get 2 frozen blastocysts as well! The 2 week wait was long and emotional. I was hopeful surely this time it would work but scared it wouldn’t.

Then in the middle of my 2 week wait, my dear Grandfather suddenly passed away. It was such a shock and very upsetting. Even more upsetting was I just wasn’t well enough to travel back down south for his funeral. I was under so much stress and still feeling unwell from egg collection. So I decided it would be best to stay home- I am sure he would understand.

Then I got my period again. Negative blood test. Not pregnant. Heartbroken.

(Here’s abit I wrote in my journal about how I was feeling)

I had abit of a meltdown this time. I had suffered so much physical and emotional pain, I was just heartbroken. And with grandad passing away as well, I just melted down. I felt like my whole existence this year has all been about trying to fall pregnant. Poking and prodding of injections, blood tests, internal ultrasounds, anaesthetics, feeling sick, pain, and the emotional exhaustion, travelling back and forth to Brisbane, stress of work, time off work and going to work not feeling well. Its just all too much. Not to mention the strain it has taken on our relationship, it must be difficult for my husband, seeing me upset, and in pain, not being able to be intimate for a LONG time. It worries me he will stop loving me. I have been pretty nasty to him, taking out my frustrations and anxiety on him, its not fair and I hate it when I do it. But when you don’t feel well and are stressed and hormonal you sometimes cant help it.

I know our relationship is rock solid. 10 years together this year. I appreciate his love and support so much. He just puts up with my crazy mood swings and just hugs me.

I want to be a mum so bad, its very scary the thought that it may not happen. At what point do you stop. Financially, emotionally and physically how much can I put up with. I have 2 frozen embryos, so next step is to transfer one embryo (hope it thaws out okay) and PRAY PRAY PRAY that this one takes.

But then I have to not miscarry, its all just so overwhelming and scary. I feel like giving up, I just cant go through this anymore, I want a normal life, where I’m not continuously under treatment, swollen belly, having painful periods, in Brisbane, spending heaps of money, I want to be a nurse, I love caring for others, I want to earn my fair share of money. I want to enjoy doing things with Zaiden and my friends. But then I cant give up, I cannot imagine my life with out children, so I cant give up, I need to keep trying. Giving up is just not an option. Being a mum is too important.

It is getting very difficult getting time off work (I had no idea I would need this much time off).

I was getting very much over this whole IVF thing just so wish it would happen naturally, people are so lucky that it happens naturally for them, such a miracle. I really thought that IVF would work- now I am doubtful and just don’t think I can go through many more attempts (or even another attempt). I have this huge desire to adopt, I feel like people who cannot fall pregnant, maybe they were made infertile to save all of the poor orphans, but governments and laws make it sooooooooo difficult to adopt.

I felt grateful I had 2 frozen embryos at least I wouldn’t have to do another full egg collection. Surely out of 2 more attempts one would work!

Fall down. Get back up. Fall down. Get back up again.