IVF round 2

 IVF round 2 : June 2015

Here we go again. Round 2. This time I am on a slightly higher dose 112.5units so I am hoping for better results, but then scared about getting hyperstimulation.

After a week of injections at home back I go to Brisbane. God bless my mum for staying with me again, I couldn’t have done it without her. I wasn’t feeling very well this time around, had headaches, nausea and dizziness and a sore belly. My first scan showed about 10 good size follicles but over 20 crappy little ones.

Although I was hopeful I would hopefully get more eggs, it meant I was at risk of hyperstim again, and I was already feeling unwell so I was feeling scared and miserable.

I was also sad because I was missing one of my really good friends wedding back at home, I had hoped maybe I could fly home for the weekend but I just wasn’t well enough to.

After a few more days of monitoring (bloods and scans) I was ready for my trigger injection, so my hubby flew down and then Monday off I went for egg pick up.

I got 8 eggs!! Perfect amount. Then the next day I got FANTASTIC news when all 8 fertilised!!! How lucky was I! I finally felt abit of hope! I had one embryo transferred on day 4, and then was very lucky to get 2 frozen blastocysts as well! The 2 week wait was long and emotional. I was hopeful surely this time it would work but scared it wouldn’t.

Then in the middle of my 2 week wait, my dear Grandfather suddenly passed away. It was such a shock and very upsetting. Even more upsetting was I just wasn’t well enough to travel back down south for his funeral. I was under so much stress and still feeling unwell from egg collection. So I decided it would be best to stay home- I am sure he would understand.

Then I got my period again. Negative blood test. Not pregnant. Heartbroken.

(Here’s abit I wrote in my journal about how I was feeling)

I had abit of a meltdown this time. I had suffered so much physical and emotional pain, I was just heartbroken. And with grandad passing away as well, I just melted down. I felt like my whole existence this year has all been about trying to fall pregnant. Poking and prodding of injections, blood tests, internal ultrasounds, anaesthetics, feeling sick, pain, and the emotional exhaustion, travelling back and forth to Brisbane, stress of work, time off work and going to work not feeling well. Its just all too much. Not to mention the strain it has taken on our relationship, it must be difficult for my husband, seeing me upset, and in pain, not being able to be intimate for a LONG time. It worries me he will stop loving me. I have been pretty nasty to him, taking out my frustrations and anxiety on him, its not fair and I hate it when I do it. But when you don’t feel well and are stressed and hormonal you sometimes cant help it.

I know our relationship is rock solid. 10 years together this year. I appreciate his love and support so much. He just puts up with my crazy mood swings and just hugs me.

I want to be a mum so bad, its very scary the thought that it may not happen. At what point do you stop. Financially, emotionally and physically how much can I put up with. I have 2 frozen embryos, so next step is to transfer one embryo (hope it thaws out okay) and PRAY PRAY PRAY that this one takes.

But then I have to not miscarry, its all just so overwhelming and scary. I feel like giving up, I just cant go through this anymore, I want a normal life, where I’m not continuously under treatment, swollen belly, having painful periods, in Brisbane, spending heaps of money, I want to be a nurse, I love caring for others, I want to earn my fair share of money. I want to enjoy doing things with Zaiden and my friends. But then I cant give up, I cannot imagine my life with out children, so I cant give up, I need to keep trying. Giving up is just not an option. Being a mum is too important.

It is getting very difficult getting time off work (I had no idea I would need this much time off).

I was getting very much over this whole IVF thing just so wish it would happen naturally, people are so lucky that it happens naturally for them, such a miracle. I really thought that IVF would work- now I am doubtful and just don’t think I can go through many more attempts (or even another attempt). I have this huge desire to adopt, I feel like people who cannot fall pregnant, maybe they were made infertile to save all of the poor orphans, but governments and laws make it sooooooooo difficult to adopt.

I felt grateful I had 2 frozen embryos at least I wouldn’t have to do another full egg collection. Surely out of 2 more attempts one would work!

Fall down. Get back up. Fall down. Get back up again.