screw positivity for a moment. Its hard work keeping up that smile and staying brave. The bottom line is this is just SH*T.
Stay positive. I’m sure it will work out soon. I have a good feeling about this one. 3rd time lucky, 5th time lucky, 7th time lucky. God has a plan. You will be okay, you are strong. You just have to keep your chin up. Try relaxing. Don’t stress Kim, it will all work out.
I pretty much have a smile on my face most days, but I also hate trying to bullshit my way through and pretend like it’s all rainbows and lollypops. I totally get that you can’t let this horrible ride beat you, you can’t fall into a deep hole of depression. But I think it’s fine to be realistic, it’s okay to hate this journey, to cry and yell that it is darn unfair!
In this 2 month break I have had it showed me a glimpse of what normal life is like without the IVF countdown on your mind. I felt well. I worked and I holidayed!
Now I have started again and part of me is excited, its a step closer to my dream. But first it was the endometrial scratch- which was pure hell. Now I have started synarel nasal spray, hormonally induced menopause, I’ve started getting the horrible hormonal headaches and feeling moody, snapping at my poor husband because I’m angry at the world that I have to go through this again.
I have loved going to work, I am one of few people that absolutely loves my job, being a nurse is such a rewarding job. But when I am feeling unwell, or have a pounding headache it makes me frustrated I just want to be able to feel well enough to do the job I love.
Then tomorrow I stop the pill… and for me with endometriosis the next week is horrible. A week of not being able to sleep, rolling around in pain-like I’m in labour for a week. With bleeding so heavy I can barely leave the house. I can’t take anything but Panadol, well I can take panadeine – but that makes me vomit. No anti-inflammatories because that can effect egg quality. So I just have to grin and bare it and get through the week, one hour at a time. I have a going away party on the weekend- which I will either struggle to go and be trying to put on a brave face, or I’ll be at home sad that I missed it.
Then I start the FSH injections on the weekend. This time we are ‘trying’ the higher dose, that gave me OHSS last time. So I’m terrified. I was so so sick with OHSS. I don’t want to have it again, but I need to try and get more eggs. I can’t do this again, I can’t afford to do it again. This will be my 6th IVF stimulation round, and 5th egg collection in 18 months. I will be devastated if I only get a few eggs, I need this time to work.
Anyway, as the title says, this is purely a rant. Getting my thoughts down. I’m just having a bit of a cold feet/scared/this is shit moment. This is unfair. How on earth can some people fall pregnant SOOOO easily, then some take time, then some need a little assistance, then some need IVF, some need a few goes of IVF, but come on 8 goes of IVF at the age of 26!!
And why did it have to happen to someone like me who literally has dreamed her whole life about being a mum. I saw a video the other day of my little cousin running in his sports carnival, he came first and runs over to his mum jumping for joy “i came first again mummy!!” he was so proud, and his mum was so proud of him. I watched that video and just burst into tears, I have been dreaming of moments like that for so long and it is the scariest feeling in the world knowing that this might not happen, or knowing that I need to go through hell and back to get there… when others can just have a good time with their partner and fall pregnant.
I had someone say to me the other day in shock “Are you really doing it again! Have you thought about when enough is enough?” I took a deep breath and was thinking well I don’t have a choice! I am 26. I cannot live the next 50 years of my life as just me. So yes I am doing it again, and I don’t even want to think about when enough is enough. Enough is enough when I have a child in my arms!
So with that being said, I guess I need to suck it up.
Put on that smile and plough through this shit one more time. I GOT THIS. I’ve done it before and I will do it again.