Feeling empty

Posted in Uncategorized by

Today I had the day off work. It’s a cold, windy, overcast day. I spent the day cleaning and doing odd jobs around the house. I just felt so empty today. So lonely. My house feels empty and my heart feels so empty… I just feel so incomplete.

I want nothing more than to be a mum. I know I’m not giving up, but everyday is a struggle. We have this beautiful big house and a huge backyard that we bought 5 years ago. We have renovated and it has been ready for a few years now to fill the rooms with children. I walk past the “nursery” and it just breaks my heart. Boxes in the corner full of baby stuff I have collected over the years I even have a bassinet! After the last failed round  I just felt like throwing it all out or selling it. But I keep holding onto hope. But I have now stopped adding to the collection just in case.

I have a lot of hope and positivity for the next round, but while I’m waiting I can’t stop feeling so empty. I am trying hard to ‘enjoy’ the next 2 months while I am waiting. I am enjoying not having any nasty side effects, not having a medication schedule. Being able to work and save some money. But when I sit still for 5 minutes, my heart just aches. When I see the pregnant bellies, or the crying babies, the kids running a muck around the shops my heart aches, I get in the car and sit there feeling so empty, so sad and so incomplete.

I don’t even know how to describe how it feels. I can’t live like this for much longer. This next IVF round has to work! PLEASE!

xx

 

27 thoughts on “Feeling empty”

  2. Hi,
    Thanks for sharing your struggles! It breaks my heart to hear your pain and sadness with not being able to yet get the baby you are longing for. I can not say I can relate as I have been lucky enough to conceive my girls without much fuss. But I remember always thinking what I would have done if I could not have children or struggled to fall pregnant. It would as you say in your own words literally of broken me!

    I think your amazing and strong…Hang in there and don’t give up. Your 26 you will have your baby one day I can feel it!

    In the mean time you could always foster a child or children in need to fill a small void. I always found I fell pregnant once I stopped trying and wanting it so bad. Not advice just I always had said to myself I would foster children if I struggled to have my own!! I still do really!!

    I wish you all the best in your next IVF attempt. Stay positive and I pray you get your beautiful euphoria some day soon!! ××

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Hi Crystal,
      I can hear your sincerity and sympathy in your comment. I believe you are trying to be comforting. For that reason, I wanted to bring your attention to something you said. Please know I say this nicely, I’m not trying to make you feel bad or start anything. I want to say it because you seem nice and I feel like for that reason, you might be open minded enough to consider what I’m saying nicely.
      Some people struggling with infertility (and I think this is the case here) find it quite painful to hear the bit about “pregnant once I stopped trying and wanting it so bad”. I really am sure that you didn’t mean any harm by saying that. But I can just picture her wincing, reading that part. In earlier posts, she talks about how she has had both of her tubes removed due to ectopic pregnancies. So she very much cannot fall pregnant without medical help. Also, it implies that her “wanting it so bad”, perhaps the stress and worry that go along with that feeling, is to blame for it not happening. It makes the woman (not just her, but anyone struggling with this) feel blamed for doing something wrong that’s stopping her from falling pregnant.
      Your message is very sweet and where you have not dealt with infertility, you are probably unaware that the wording of something you’re trying to say to be comforting can actually end up having the opposite effect. Again, please understand I’m trying to nicely point this out to you just so you can reconsider the words you might choose, I really don’t want to make you feel badly.

      PS-Waiting for our IVF Miracle, you can totally delete my comment if what I said makes you uncomfortable or if you think I overstepped some boundaries here. If that’s the case, I apologize, that is not my intent at all.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • You said this so kindly and totally know you aren’t meaning to be rude of over stepping! I love how you know I take a deep breath reading it worked when I stop thinking about it. But crystals message was so sweet I over looked it hehe
        And she probably didn’t realise I have no tubes.
        No hard feelings anywhich way.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind comment.
      I have looked into fostering. I’m just not sure I’m in the best mind to foster a child and then have the child taken away- back to their family (which in Australia unfortunately they go back to sub optimal conditions) it would 100% break me.
      But that’s our back up plan..

      Like

      Reply

      • Thank goodness, I’m glad you weren’t offended in any way. Crystal’s message was really sweet, and I feel like it’s people like her, who are trying to be supportive who would be open to hearing about stuff like that. Who knows if she’ll even see it. It just made me sad thinking of you reading it and feeling that pang at that particular sentence. You’d either explain, yet again, about your tubes, or you’d just suck it up and feel the pain silently.
        I was never nosey about other people’s kids/pregnancies/reproductive choices, but going through infertility has opened my eyes to a lot of things that we say that we don’t even realize might hurt.
        xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hehe and you know I started typing unfortunately I don’t Have any tubes … But then I was like nah she was so sweet I’ll just not say it lol
        🙂 but then I also wonder when other people say you need to relax and it will happen do they also mean that IVF won’t work if ur stressed? Surely not? It’s impossible not to be worried during IVF. But obviously I try to be as stress free as possible.

        Like

    • Hi again. Just wanted to apologise I had no idea you had no tubes. I am very happy you got the meaning in my message in no way was I trying to be rude so for that I am truly sorry!! I wish you every success. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  3. When i read your posts.. it is always as if i am reliving my life but in words written by someone else half the world away. It is so amazing how we have similar stories and feelings. Please don’t lose hope in your God – He plans the best for us. Trust me – your child will come to you soon , you are in my prayers regularly

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • I find exactly the same thing when I read other people’s stories . We are all strangers, worlds away, but yet all in the same battle together! Thank you for your words of wisdom. It’s so hard to keep faith. Ultimately I do! But then I have the days I’m so mad! Why are you sending me down this awful path! Thank you so much , you have brought tears to my eyes knowing how much support I have xx

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  8. I can sense your pain and your desire and I hope writing about it helps you relieve some of that heartache. You are so brave and strong mentally to have gone through that many cycles and you will definitely be in my prayers. A big internet hug 🙆🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. I am sorry you are going through this. Waiting is by far the hardest part for me. We just failed our first round, and it really sucks the positivity out of you. I am struggling a bit right now, it comes and goes. When I see pregnant bellies I turn away so my eyes don’t fill with tears… I get it. It’s such an awful thing to go through. Really hoping it goes fast for you. Thinking of you!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a comment